Sand Dune Parking Lot

The parking lot of Bolsa Chica Beach used to be big sand dunes. With the replacement of concrete the sand dunes habitat is missing and birds that use these sand dunes are sitting in the middle of these parking lots as if they were sand dune. Small areas of the parking lot where the concrete stops I noticed sand dune vegetation. If we just increase the area of the unpaved areas the vegetation will be able to spread and get more area for the birds to use.

The life of these coastal habitats are thriving with life, we just need to respect their space.

The Power of Nature

After last night's experience of seeing the moon light up the ocean and this morning's hike to the waterfall after the rain, my body and my mind feel significantly better.

When there are so many creek crossings with so many different ways to do it, I begin to feel the power of nature because we have to find a way to get across and the creek does not care if you fall or don't make it. We can no longer rely on a road that is easy to use and man-made. Strangers are helping each other get across and people are friendly to each other and greet each other as they pass. When we humans are at a state of vulnerability, we count on each other for help thus we are also more likely to provide help for one another. (I really wish I had better writing skills to express myself) With the way society is structured we are forgetting our vulnerability to the power of nature. In the end Mother Nature has the final say. Recall the earthquake that happened in Haiti on January 12, 2010 with a magnitude of 7.0 (unit), an earthquake like that is almost nothing when compared to the way the continents shift and the formation of the mountains but to us the earthquake caused a significant amount of damage to humans.

Our technology has created a great deal of comfort and convenience to our everyday lives, our dependency on this technology has made us forget the force of nature. In geologic history there has been multiple numbers of great catastrophes, if a catastrophe was to happen right now and we lose the ability to access these technologies then we will once again realize that we humans are completely vulnerable to the environment and the force of nature.

It is always refreshing to get in touch with nature every once in a while. The waterfall at Eaton Cayon in Pasadena, CA was breath taking, especially in such an arid climate. Thank you to rain, thank you to water!

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

"Position and momentum cannot both be known to arbitrary precision"-wikipedia. The more precise we know of one the more uncertainty it creates for the other element.

I feel like the more I get to know about myself and what I want to get out of life, the more I don't know what I want because I am exploring and finding so many interests that I have, it is getting to the point where I can't do all of them so I have to pick and choose what I want...ahh more decision making ahead....

The more we learn and know about a topic, the questions we are going to have about it.

Rain RAin RAIN,,,

I am constantly in this strange mood, maybe it's the weather that is making me feel this way. I think too much for my own good. I find myself constantly trying to figure things out...why, how, what...I want to know everything, I am addicted to learning. I still feel like I am just starting to get to know myself again after so long. These past 4 months have gone by so fast and this just feels like the beginning.

It is also strange to me to be surrounded by relationships, just not that long ago I was in that position and for a long time too. It gives me such a different perspective of a relationship and how to go about finding a way to make them work. Surprisingly I don't feel jealous nor do I feel the longing of a boyfriend or my ex, I am perfectly happy about being single...in fact I think I love it.

I find it more compatible to hang out with friends that are single too, especially single girl friends. There is so much common ground there and your choice of things to do (like going out) can be so much more adventurous. This is where my shout out to my favorite girl, Nelly, appears! Without her I would not only go insane but I would not be able to experience single life. Beautiful person inside and out. It makes me really happy when I find people like this in my life, it kind of makes me feel more alive.

Wow, I really am spending a lot of time and energy on myself because my blog is no longer about my work and learning, it has become my diary.

On the other hand:

Why are there tornadoes in Southern California? This is not the California I have ever experienced before.
I want to bike to the beach and this weather is really stopping me from doing that. The other night we got hailed on while riding our bikes. This has also put a stopper on volunteering too...haven't even started.

I have started some research on Peace Corps, let's see how serious that gets. I don't think graduate school is for me right now. The Peace Corps experience seems so much more of a life changing experience than grad school, and that is what I am looking for, plus I don't have the money to attend graduate school and studying for the GRE sounds...not fun at all. Experiences can teach you millions times more than a text book can. I really want to experience a different country, a different world. Put me outside my comfort zone and let's see what happens, I want to challenge myself.

Focus Shift

My blog is no longer about my studies. It has become my place to rant. Oh well.

Leash

Four years is a long time and people change. Thinking back to four years ago when I was 18 turning 19 and the silly decisions I made has made me almost embarrassed of myself. I feel much wiser now then I did back then.

I recently revisited an old friend from my freshmen year at college, we were not friends for very long before we stopped talking but for some reason he always felt special to me. He has made so much progress in these past four years that we were not communicating it makes me wonder if I will be able to do the same for myself.

He looks different, dresses different. Much more confident in himself and has grown a lot. But he is still the same just an older version...I guess more mature.

My inability to handle rejection back then made me desperate which then eventually led to settling with someone, which in this case would be my ex. Thinking about on it he had no traits of anything that I was looking for in a boyfriend but instead I was completely blinded by the feeling of being wanted along with my infatuation with him. He provided me with security and comfort in the sense that I wouldn't have to feel lonely anymore but other than that there was nothing else he could offer for me. Finally being able to view my past relationship from an outsider's perspective the relationship was a big lesson for me, a stepping stone. The love was there but it was young love...in the world we live in today there are many other factors needed for a healthy and functioning relationship and not just infatuation and sexual attraction.

I still can't believe all the BS me and my ex put each other through because we were so overprotected of each other (especially him). I couldn't have guys friends and he couldn't have friends that are girls...that sounds so childish to me now. Now I find guys who do whatever they want much more attractive than those, like my ex, who do "what I tell him to do". The same way they do whatever they want to do is the same way I want to do whatever I want to do, the common interest there strikes me as an important trait for both people to have. With both people with this same mind set, they both will be able to do whatever they want to do and have their freedom. A relationship shouldn't be able what you want the other person to do or restricting yourself from doing things you want to do, it's about because able to live your life to way you want to but being able to coexist with the other person at the same time.

I see so many young couples that made that mistake. "my girlfriend doesn't like me going to the bars with my friends, she says it's not good for the relationship" My ex used to say stuff like this to me, "it we want this to work, our relationship should always come first, so anything that doesn't help our relationship we shouldn't do and that includes XYZ". I feel like when I was in that position where I was making that mistake, people would warm me about it but just like in human nature, we always think we are the exception to the rule. Not matter what I tell these young couples, they are not going to listen because they think they are the exception which is why they are just going to have to learn for themselves just as I had to as well as all the other people that warned me about it too.

If you hold sand in our hand and squeeze the sand will fall out but if you hold it loose it will stay.

PHC bike ride

I took my first bike ride down PHC today...wow!! It was beautiful. It was what I expected and more. The ocean on one side and the wetlands on the other.

Ballona Wetland

Located just north of LAX, I didn't think it would exist. It is the last remaining wetland in LA county. As one can only imagine the amount of runoff and trash that end up there from the LA watershed. I am anxious to visit the Ballona Wetland to how healthy the ecosystem there is. I would assume it is comparable to Colorado Lagoon, and much worst quality than Bolsa Chica and Huntington Beach wetlands. So far, I am the most impressed with Newport beach wetland and Bolsa Chica Wetland.

Things to do in HK

Make pillow cases
Paint
Learn to cook more foods
Learn Chinese
organize pictures
...

Bolsa Chica always amazing

Even after the rain Bolsa Chica was not covered in trash! The ride was low when we were there and the sandpipers were working hard to find food.
Sandpipers
great egret
snowy egret
CA gull
Migratory birds (don't know the name)
I had never been during sunset, usually I go in the morning. I find it even better to go during sunset because there are not as many people plus the birds interact with each other differently since it is the end of the day. We saw a gull drop a mussel several times to break it open and then another gull tried to steal it numerous times. It is entertaining to watch because in nature stealing is acceptable but in human society that gull would have been in trouble with the law. I want to live with the birds :)

Volunteering tomorrow morning, I think it's going to be a good one!

We're getting closer

This ever ending list of things to do is getting smaller and smaller.

Wow, this is bad...I don't have anything to write about. This past week my life has been consumed by the move and getting settled down is taking much more time and work than I ever thought. The fact that I haven't moved in three years doesn't help either. I must go to sleep now, the sooner I get all this stuff done, the sooner I can take care of myself again.

I find guys that are too readily available unattractive, maybe it's just because it's a harder chase or maybe it's the fact that I don't see how someone can like a person so quickly when they barely know them. It's like you hang out with them once or twice and they feel like you should be hanging out all the time. No thanks, you don't even know me and I don't even know you so take it easy. My favorite (sarcastically) are those that will literally take whatever they can get and all they want is a girlfriend. Those are the most clingy and hardest to get rid of, if I reply to your calls or texts then I don't want to talk to you, sorry. Could it be that because I am so extremely emotionally unavailable that I seek for guys that are also emotionally unavailable since then both parties are not "looking for anything" thus keeping the physical attraction and leaving out the commitment. I am way too young to be seriously involved, not right now I need time to figure me out.
A boy/girlfriend = a best friend

"I want to buy it for myself, because if he buys it for me then it reminds me of him every time I look at it."

"Are these the only two choices for women now sexy kitten or a witch?!"

22 days

22 more days until I can just stop and breathe again.

Goodbye Long Beach

The first night all of us together at the new place. All the moving finally just got done (4:18am). With everyone's help the move went fairly quick.

I don't like guys that uses money to try to impress me, final decision was made today, zero tolerance. Goodbye TH.
Every time I give them a chance, they let me down...oh well.

Hello new chapter of life! It is a pleasure to finally meet you.

Finally Happened!

We finally moved into our new place! Now I am just excited to unpack and move on with my life. Huntington Beach wetlands here I come!!!!

I couldn't believe how small my old place looked with all the furniture gone. It really brought me back to the beginning when we first moved in. Surprisingly I didn't get upset moving the stuff out, but it happened so fast and there were so many people there helping me. He made me a really nice painting of a rose, I wanted to keep it because it was pretty but I had to get rid of it because of what it stood for. Thinking back on it, I can't blame him for hating me so much because he tried really hard to get me back and I did not give him any chance at all. How do you forgive someone that hit you, bruise you, and emotionally abuse you? I couldn't do it. I miss the good times but the bad times overpowered the good times. It is amazing to me how a relationship with one person can contain soooooo sooo sooo much love and sooooo soooo soooooo much hate at the same time. The emotions attached to the relationship has become explosive and extreme...therefore no longer healthy. Resentment will always be there no matter what. From this day on he still doesn't get it, he thinks he's got it figured out but he still doesn't get me...after 3.5 years of me telling you what I want, and you still can't figure it out, that is a waste of my time. All I wanted was freedom because in the end I do what I want anyways, who do you think you are trying to manipulate and guilt trip me.

I am Tired

I am tired, where is my new home?!?!?! I can only keep hoping. Tomorrow will be our lucky day ^_^
Peace and love
Everything will be okay.

I Found It!

Pretty sure I found my brain now because I am starting to feel a bit more centered. With the help of all my wonderful friends and my mom (the most amazing person in the world) sanity is seeping back into my head. Conversation with my Mom always makes me feel better, she means the world to me and I hope that someday I can provide my kids with everything she's provided for me. I am so thankful for her and I love her so much. She is right, there are going to be times when I feel upset and miss him but that is only natural since we were together for so long, but eventually these things will fade away. Writing a hate letter also helped too. Then when I finally saw my friend, Heather and her husband and their wonderful life they have together, I realized that this is what I want for myself in the future. Knowing that he is unable to provide me with what I want, I quickly gained back logic and centered myself once again. I will find someone that can be everything I want them to be, the search will be long and exhausting but that is okay because my plans for the next couple of years does not include a man. In fact, if there was a man, then my plans will have to change and most likely have to be less adventurous (depending on the guy). Either way, I have decided that from now on, any guy that I invest time in will just be someone to take up time temporarily and to satisfy instant gratification. My plans in my life and the goals I need to accomplish cannot be disrupted by a serious relationship. The person that I will end up with will just have to meet me in New Zealand when I move there post Peace Corps. I know what I want to do with my life and I know what I want to get out of it and I am tired of letting my "desperate romantic" trait that I've evolved into get in the way. Society is structured much more differently now and mating and raising offspring are not a priority for me. It is unfortunate that this desire to find a mate has evolved so strongly in our brains but just like every other evolutionary trait, we can evolve out of it and I will take the first step in that. I must seek what I want in life first. I want to (be):
1. independent
2. adventurous
3. conserve the environment
4. educate others
5. travel
6. cultured
7. intelligent
8. useful member of the society
9. happy
10. selfless

I am lucky enough that I was raised in a family that has provided me with all these different windows of opportunities and I will take advantage of it. I could not be more thankful for my parents. I finally realized that the only true love there is right now is the love between me and my parents. It is important that I don't let them down, and when you're Asian you're always raised to be perfect in every aspect of life so I must aim high.

Lost my Brain at Together As One

The first week of 2010 has been tough. We are still in the process of moving but have not been able to complete the process due to technical difficulties. This limbo between new place and old place has really got my emotions on edge. My sense of logic has completely gone out the window and I relapsed and went to see him. The strange familiarity gave me such an extreme amount of instant comfort, I became addicted. Packing up the last of the things at the apartment instantly brings me back to the beginning of our relationship, the fairytale relationship that I wanted for the rest of my life, the relationship that I tried so hard to keep but just did not work out. Going to see him was a huge mistake and made me lose sight as to why I left him. The recovery from New Years Eve is throwing me off and my sense of logic is practically nonexistent, I am counting for this hangover to be over soon so I can think with a clear head once again. I know for a fact that I don't want to be with him, he is not what I want, he cannot give me what I want, and that I despise him for the pain he put me through. Right now I am just looking for comfort in someone and that can be so dangerous. I just need to recover from new years and get my brain back into place, move, unpack, go back to Hong Kong, relax, come back and be refreshed and be ready to take life on once again.

I cannot believe myself

It's like I took 10 steps forward and then 9 steps back. This process getting more and more complicated. Being occupoed with school made me think much more clear headed than ever and now that school is over I am really starting to lose it, maybe it's just because of the moving that is getting to me, but either way my brain is trying to seek comfort and right now I'm looking at the wrong place for it. I miss having a better half.

*sigh*

I wish I could take you with me through my journey of life.

Ughhh

I can't figure out this blog layout stuff...computer challenged! In fact I am feeling challenged in almost everything else right now, I just want to get away...perhaps changing my plane ticket and leaving earlier may be a good idea.

This New Decade

There is so much in store in the next couple of years. This decade should be the most exciting and enjoyable since I finally have the world in my hands to decide for myself what I really want to do. There are so many options for me right now which is wonderful, but at the same time I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. The exhaustion from school, the break up, work, and family has finally caught up to me. At first I thought that once school was over I would be much more relieved. I am a little relieved but that is being offset by other obstacles in life, so overall I am still frustrated. It is definitely time to pay a visit to the family and get away from everything and start thinking about what I want to do with my life. So far I think I have it figured out.

2010-Stay in CA and enjoy my friends, and volunteer/work at/for local conservation groups.
2011-Move back to HK for a year to learn more Chinese and apply for Peace Corps
2012-Begin Peace Corps
2014-Return from Peace Corps...Probably move to New Zealand and settle down

I think having the next 4 years somewhat planned out should be enough. I feel like all these events are all very very important and are things that I have been wanting to do for many years, what better time to do it now when I am single and out of school.

WTF, HTF

I can't imagine anyone finding my ex attractive in anyway shape or form, but apparently he can pull if off. I find it a bit humorous that this girl is so similar to me, but what I find the most hilarious is the fact that I am only attracted to guys that are completely opposite of him.

Yesterday was fun, finally someone took me to the aquarium, ate, and "ice" skated. These were things I have wanted to do for awhile but never actually did. He's smart, he's kind, he's successful, he cooks, he's independent, and he's cute...but still not exactly what I am looking for. How picky can you get?!?! I want to keep looking, but the search is so exhausting. I just don't want to make the mistake again of wasting time with someone that is not worth investing in. I am not going to try to change anyone so whoever this person is, if he is out there, I need to like him for exactly who he is...I don't want to "work on" them, I barely have enough time to work on myself. I think I like myself too much to settle for someone that is less than perfect in my mind, thus narrowing down my options to very very few people.