Pretty sure I found my brain now because I am starting to feel a bit more centered. With the help of all my wonderful friends and my mom (the most amazing person in the world) sanity is seeping back into my head. Conversation with my Mom always makes me feel better, she means the world to me and I hope that someday I can provide my kids with everything she's provided for me. I am so thankful for her and I love her so much. She is right, there are going to be times when I feel upset and miss him but that is only natural since we were together for so long, but eventually these things will fade away. Writing a hate letter also helped too. Then when I finally saw my friend, Heather and her husband and their wonderful life they have together, I realized that this is what I want for myself in the future. Knowing that he is unable to provide me with what I want, I quickly gained back logic and centered myself once again. I will find someone that can be everything I want them to be, the search will be long and exhausting but that is okay because my plans for the next couple of years does not include a man. In fact, if there was a man, then my plans will have to change and most likely have to be less adventurous (depending on the guy). Either way, I have decided that from now on, any guy that I invest time in will just be someone to take up time temporarily and to satisfy instant gratification. My plans in my life and the goals I need to accomplish cannot be disrupted by a serious relationship. The person that I will end up with will just have to meet me in New Zealand when I move there post Peace Corps. I know what I want to do with my life and I know what I want to get out of it and I am tired of letting my "desperate romantic" trait that I've evolved into get in the way. Society is structured much more differently now and mating and raising offspring are not a priority for me. It is unfortunate that this desire to find a mate has evolved so strongly in our brains but just like every other evolutionary trait, we can evolve out of it and I will take the first step in that. I must seek what I want in life first. I want to (be):
1. independent
2. adventurous
3. conserve the environment
4. educate others
5. travel
6. cultured
7. intelligent
8. useful member of the society
9. happy
10. selfless
I am lucky enough that I was raised in a family that has provided me with all these different windows of opportunities and I will take advantage of it. I could not be more thankful for my parents. I finally realized that the only true love there is right now is the love between me and my parents. It is important that I don't let them down, and when you're Asian you're always raised to be perfect in every aspect of life so I must aim high.
You don't know how happy I am to see you write like this! I knew you'd hold yourself together since like I always tell you, you are an amazing individual :) I love you Joce and will be there when you need me. Even if we are on opposite sides of the globe you will always be in my heart as an great friend. And don't you sell yourself short! There are plenty of losers out there that may try to keep you down but the one that is worth it is worth the wait. Miss you.
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