Leash

Four years is a long time and people change. Thinking back to four years ago when I was 18 turning 19 and the silly decisions I made has made me almost embarrassed of myself. I feel much wiser now then I did back then.

I recently revisited an old friend from my freshmen year at college, we were not friends for very long before we stopped talking but for some reason he always felt special to me. He has made so much progress in these past four years that we were not communicating it makes me wonder if I will be able to do the same for myself.

He looks different, dresses different. Much more confident in himself and has grown a lot. But he is still the same just an older version...I guess more mature.

My inability to handle rejection back then made me desperate which then eventually led to settling with someone, which in this case would be my ex. Thinking about on it he had no traits of anything that I was looking for in a boyfriend but instead I was completely blinded by the feeling of being wanted along with my infatuation with him. He provided me with security and comfort in the sense that I wouldn't have to feel lonely anymore but other than that there was nothing else he could offer for me. Finally being able to view my past relationship from an outsider's perspective the relationship was a big lesson for me, a stepping stone. The love was there but it was young love...in the world we live in today there are many other factors needed for a healthy and functioning relationship and not just infatuation and sexual attraction.

I still can't believe all the BS me and my ex put each other through because we were so overprotected of each other (especially him). I couldn't have guys friends and he couldn't have friends that are girls...that sounds so childish to me now. Now I find guys who do whatever they want much more attractive than those, like my ex, who do "what I tell him to do". The same way they do whatever they want to do is the same way I want to do whatever I want to do, the common interest there strikes me as an important trait for both people to have. With both people with this same mind set, they both will be able to do whatever they want to do and have their freedom. A relationship shouldn't be able what you want the other person to do or restricting yourself from doing things you want to do, it's about because able to live your life to way you want to but being able to coexist with the other person at the same time.

I see so many young couples that made that mistake. "my girlfriend doesn't like me going to the bars with my friends, she says it's not good for the relationship" My ex used to say stuff like this to me, "it we want this to work, our relationship should always come first, so anything that doesn't help our relationship we shouldn't do and that includes XYZ". I feel like when I was in that position where I was making that mistake, people would warm me about it but just like in human nature, we always think we are the exception to the rule. Not matter what I tell these young couples, they are not going to listen because they think they are the exception which is why they are just going to have to learn for themselves just as I had to as well as all the other people that warned me about it too.

If you hold sand in our hand and squeeze the sand will fall out but if you hold it loose it will stay.